I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
