Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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