This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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