In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
