you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
