I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
