There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
