i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
