He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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