o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
