why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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