Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
