You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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