My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
