Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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