the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
