Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
