Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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