he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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