If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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