Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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