One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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