Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
