i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
