He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
