he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
What a dumb baby whore.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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