Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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