I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
