then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
