We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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