is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
