you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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