I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
