how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
