just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
