dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There's even glitter on my cock...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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