whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
