Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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