3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
OPIZZABONMYDICK
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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