Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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