When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
