her vagine was all disorganized.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
