Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
