omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
