That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Randomize
