life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
don't judge my taste in strippers
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
