This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
