Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
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At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
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He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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