if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
