Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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