I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
