Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
there is puke in my bra ... again
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