The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
