just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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