you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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