I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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