I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
