I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
