Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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